Friday, June 18, 2004

From blog correspondent Dave McLaughlin
Republican National Committee Convention Schedule
New York, NY
6:00 PM Opening Prayer led by the Reverend Jerry Falwell
6:30 PM Pledge of Allegiance
6:35 PM Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd amendment)
6:45 PM Salute to the Coalition of the Willing
6:46 PM Seminar #1: Getting your kid a military deferment
7:35 PM Serve Freedom Fries
7:40 PM EPA Address #1: Mercury: it's what's for dinner.
8:00 PM Vote on which country to invade next
8:10 PM Call EMTs to revive Dick Cheney
8:15 PM John Ashcroft Lecture: The Homos are after your children
8:30 PM Round table discussion on reproductive rights (MEN only)
[We interrupt this parody for the following announcement: 'r.r.' is of course code for baby murder (marketed as 'empowerment for women'... there really is nothing new under the sun, not since the Garden of Eden in fact)... which of course is not supported by this blog. We support real r.r., the right to reproduce or not, which involves unpopular mediæval notions like self-denial and respecting others.]
8:50 PM Seminar #2: Corporations: The government of the future
9:00 PM Condi Rice sings "Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man"
9:10 PM EPA Address #2: Trees: The real cause of forest fires
9:30 PM Break for secret meetings
10:00 PM Second prayer led by Cal Thomas
10:15 PM Lecture by Karl Rove: Doublespeak made easy
10:30 PM Rumsfeld demonstration of how to squint and talk macho
10:35 PM Bush demonstration of trademark "deer in headlights" stare.
10:40 PM John Ashcroft demonstrates new mandatory Kevlar chastity belt
10:45 PM Clarence Thomas reads list of Black Republicans
10:46 PM Seminar #3: Education: a drain on our nation's economy.
11:10 PM Hillary Clinton Piñata
11:20 PM Second Lecture by John Ashcroft: Evolutionists: The dangerous new cult
11:30 PM Call EMTs to revive Dick Cheney again.
11:35 PM Blame Clinton
11:40 PM Laura serves milk and cookies
11:50 PM Closing Prayer led by Jesus Himself
12:00 PM Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Overlord

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