Monday, August 23, 2010

Characters: more possible religious satire that might not s*ck
  • Call to Action Grandpa/Granny: ‘We want an open, inclusive, progressive way of being church, of being community, like John XXIII and Paul VI promised and John Paul II and Benedict XVI betrayed, following the church’s true mission of justice and peace. Jesus our brother wasn’t God and didn’t found a church. The Pope’s fallible and the next one will give us everything we want, just you see. Don’t tell me to become an Episcopalian: my grandparents were from Armagh so don’t tell me I’m not Catholic, and I don’t like the Episcopalians’ fuddy-duddy, artsy-fartsy services. The church must change or die; we’re only doing what the kids want, which is what we wanted when we were kids. My grandkids don’t go to Mass but only old farts (not us!) think that’s a sin anyway. Send me one of those e-mail things at SpiritOfVatican2@aol.com. My son set that up for me 15 years ago; I don’t understand this Interweb stuff. Now where did I put my pills and my AARP card?’
  • His/her old friend ’Pisked-Off Ex-Catholic did ’pisk and still does as a vestryperson and social-action coordinator at St Giles-on-the-Green (with a granny rector and her partner), ‘a hate-free zone’ but God, s/he (mustn’t be sexist) hates those schismatics (unlike those brave fighters for religious tolerance, Henry VIII and Elizabeth I) leaving the church (even though there is no one true church; only dumb breeder Romans think that). ’Pisked-Off is all about tolerance and wants to use the full force of the law to make you tolerant too. (Just like merry old Hal and Betts: maybe s/he’s truly Anglican after all.)
  • Mainline Minister: went to college between 1968 and 1972 and knows somebody who knows somebody who might have marched with Dr King. Sermons: interprets pop-song lyrics for religious relevance. Struck a blow for environmentalism by banning styrofoam cups at coffee hour. Church attendance is way down but the yearly Bach Blast! there by the local classical-music orchestra is a smash! Spouse/partner is a minister too and they combined their ethnic-mismatch names with a hyphen. Lends the church for some of Call to Action Grandpa’s/Granny’s meetings and services like the Dignity Mass a defrocked priest does once a month. But that doesn’t stop MM being on the denomination’s ecumenical committee.
  • Devotionally Hysterical Charismatic Apparition-Chasing Granny: ‘Praise God! Hi there, brother! Have you heard Mother Mary Gospa’s latest message from Vicka and the other seers? Jesus loves you. IwishtheBishopofMostarwouldgetcancer but Jesus loves him too! The Third Secret of Fátima says our troops will win in Iraq and Afghanistan; somebody in my prayer group told me. I’ll pray for you. See you in front of the abortion clinic.’
  • Natski. Nice person in steel country who’s a Nat because parents, grandparents and great-grandparents were. Parish is named for a saint in the old country who was martyred for loyalty to the Pope but the Nats aren’t under the Pope; the point is the saint is loved in the old country, almost all of whose people aren’t Nats. Got that? Dobrze. Priest is from the old country, ordained RC and switched to get married.
What the old (ex-)RCs are reacting against and what they’ve created.

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